Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I'm really trying this journaling thing.  I still don't like it though.  I just sent off one of my deepest darkest secrets and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I told Mark I wish to die.  Now, I'm not going to do anything to hasten the process but every time I wish on a star or a candle or any damn thing that's what I wish for nowadays.  Sad and scary but true.  Sucks but I'm so damn tired of trying to elk out a life that I just want it to be done already.  I'm so fucking ready it scares me.  It's so fucking unfair that Brandon died instead of me and I'm soooooo angry.  So, that my dear friends is what I'm sitting here thinking of this wonderful Thanksgiving day.  Make's you just want to have me to your party doesn't it.  And to think, my family wonder why I want to stay home alone. Haahhaha  Ray of fucking sunshine. I am. 

Twas the night before Thanksgiving....

And I'm so not in the mood for this.  I cried at the drop of a hat all day today.  Work was a bitch, one of my girls didn't come in this morning so I had to go in early and my night girls are really dumb as a post.  I've been thinking a lot about Brandon today and not making any sense of WHY!!!  I must ask that a million times a day.  But really, why?  I was ready, I would gladly trade places with him.  I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that MY 16 year old son is dead and there is no reason why.....I would never do anything to myself to end my life but dammit I've lived.  I was and am ready to go.  I'm tired of being here and trudging through everyday life especially now.  Take me God.  I want to go.  I hate it here now and I see now redeeming qualities in my near future.  Now I lay me down to sleep.  Please don't make me wake up.  That is what I wish for now.  Everyday, every time.  Amen

Sunday

Ok, I'm getting the hand of this now.  I write about what I'm thinking and feeling and soon I'm going to feel better.  I'm still scared about being "truthful" on here because I'm not sure I want anyone to be able to read this.  Guess I should have picked a better format! LOL  Mark and I are e-mailing each other questions back and forth.  One a day.  Hopefully this will open up lines of communication between us.  I'm not to sure how I want this to play out.  I know I don't want to go back to him but I do need to figure out how we are going to fit into each others lives.  Frank is a whole nother subject!  I'm not to sure on this move he wants.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about that.  I really think I need to make a break and just be completely by myself.  I know everyone says I need to be able to count on my friends and family during this time but I think I need to be alone.  I like being alone.  And now without Brandon I can do that anywhere I want.  I always thought about him when I picked a place to live before, two rooms, good schools, ect.  Now I can get that damn loft in the city if I want and can afford it.  I really do think about a lot of crap these days.....
  I wish I was like some of the other parents I've met and that Brandon would give me a sign that he's ok.  But, on the other hand I don't know if I believe all that crap.  See, my thoughts are all over the place....