Same day...only later.

I've sent Mark a note asking him if he wants to do the exercise my therapist suggested about writing each other a question every day and answering it daily too.  So far he says he'll do it.  I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish or what the therapist thinks this will do.    I started this post with a old picture of Brandon.  Every day on the ride home it is so long because that was the time I would call him.  Sometimes he would only grunt at me but once in a great while we would spend a few minutes talking, really talking, ya know.  I miss him so much.  I miss what should have been.  I wonder if it will get easier when we get the result from the autopsy.  I hope so but I doubt it. 
I'm sorry that I seem all over the map.  When I used to write my thought seemed to flow better.  But, when I re-read this it just seems like a mess.  Plus sometimes the keys are hard to see because I'm crying.  God, this sucks.

Long time no write

Its with a heavy heart I sit to write this to myself.  I have been told to journal by my new found therapist.  It's is supposed to help with the grief.  You see, my 16 year old son died suddenly on the 13 of October and I'm not dealing to well with it.  I'm angry, scared and lonely, heart broken and many other things I can no longer find the words to describe.  My thought patterns are all over the map these days and she seems to think that if I write it down it will help.  I think it's bullshit but I'm willing to try. 
  This is my first attempt to write anything since he died.  My sister-in-law has written and my soon to be ex-husband has even posted things on facebook but I can't find the words or maybe I can't find the strength.  I feel like I'm intruding when the kids post to his facebook and I see Shelly has commented and it makes me crazy.  I wish I could do that but since he wasn't living with me for the last 2 1/2 years I feel like I didn't know him anymore.  Everyone has told me how angry he was at me.  Well, let me tell you that makes me feel great.  I know he was angry, every time we talked it was like pulling teeth.  I'd like to blame it on his age but I don't think I can be honest and do that.  I left him.  And I always thought we'd have time to repair our relationship when he got older and got away from his Dad and his family.  I guess I'm upset that we never got that chance.  My God he was 16, why wasn't it me??  I was ready, so ready.  I gotta stop this now.  More at another time.