Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I'm really trying this journaling thing.  I still don't like it though.  I just sent off one of my deepest darkest secrets and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I told Mark I wish to die.  Now, I'm not going to do anything to hasten the process but every time I wish on a star or a candle or any damn thing that's what I wish for nowadays.  Sad and scary but true.  Sucks but I'm so damn tired of trying to elk out a life that I just want it to be done already.  I'm so fucking ready it scares me.  It's so fucking unfair that Brandon died instead of me and I'm soooooo angry.  So, that my dear friends is what I'm sitting here thinking of this wonderful Thanksgiving day.  Make's you just want to have me to your party doesn't it.  And to think, my family wonder why I want to stay home alone. Haahhaha  Ray of fucking sunshine. I am. 

Twas the night before Thanksgiving....

And I'm so not in the mood for this.  I cried at the drop of a hat all day today.  Work was a bitch, one of my girls didn't come in this morning so I had to go in early and my night girls are really dumb as a post.  I've been thinking a lot about Brandon today and not making any sense of WHY!!!  I must ask that a million times a day.  But really, why?  I was ready, I would gladly trade places with him.  I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that MY 16 year old son is dead and there is no reason why.....I would never do anything to myself to end my life but dammit I've lived.  I was and am ready to go.  I'm tired of being here and trudging through everyday life especially now.  Take me God.  I want to go.  I hate it here now and I see now redeeming qualities in my near future.  Now I lay me down to sleep.  Please don't make me wake up.  That is what I wish for now.  Everyday, every time.  Amen

Sunday

Ok, I'm getting the hand of this now.  I write about what I'm thinking and feeling and soon I'm going to feel better.  I'm still scared about being "truthful" on here because I'm not sure I want anyone to be able to read this.  Guess I should have picked a better format! LOL  Mark and I are e-mailing each other questions back and forth.  One a day.  Hopefully this will open up lines of communication between us.  I'm not to sure how I want this to play out.  I know I don't want to go back to him but I do need to figure out how we are going to fit into each others lives.  Frank is a whole nother subject!  I'm not to sure on this move he wants.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about that.  I really think I need to make a break and just be completely by myself.  I know everyone says I need to be able to count on my friends and family during this time but I think I need to be alone.  I like being alone.  And now without Brandon I can do that anywhere I want.  I always thought about him when I picked a place to live before, two rooms, good schools, ect.  Now I can get that damn loft in the city if I want and can afford it.  I really do think about a lot of crap these days.....
  I wish I was like some of the other parents I've met and that Brandon would give me a sign that he's ok.  But, on the other hand I don't know if I believe all that crap.  See, my thoughts are all over the place....

Same day...only later.

I've sent Mark a note asking him if he wants to do the exercise my therapist suggested about writing each other a question every day and answering it daily too.  So far he says he'll do it.  I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish or what the therapist thinks this will do.    I started this post with a old picture of Brandon.  Every day on the ride home it is so long because that was the time I would call him.  Sometimes he would only grunt at me but once in a great while we would spend a few minutes talking, really talking, ya know.  I miss him so much.  I miss what should have been.  I wonder if it will get easier when we get the result from the autopsy.  I hope so but I doubt it. 
I'm sorry that I seem all over the map.  When I used to write my thought seemed to flow better.  But, when I re-read this it just seems like a mess.  Plus sometimes the keys are hard to see because I'm crying.  God, this sucks.

Long time no write

Its with a heavy heart I sit to write this to myself.  I have been told to journal by my new found therapist.  It's is supposed to help with the grief.  You see, my 16 year old son died suddenly on the 13 of October and I'm not dealing to well with it.  I'm angry, scared and lonely, heart broken and many other things I can no longer find the words to describe.  My thought patterns are all over the map these days and she seems to think that if I write it down it will help.  I think it's bullshit but I'm willing to try. 
  This is my first attempt to write anything since he died.  My sister-in-law has written and my soon to be ex-husband has even posted things on facebook but I can't find the words or maybe I can't find the strength.  I feel like I'm intruding when the kids post to his facebook and I see Shelly has commented and it makes me crazy.  I wish I could do that but since he wasn't living with me for the last 2 1/2 years I feel like I didn't know him anymore.  Everyone has told me how angry he was at me.  Well, let me tell you that makes me feel great.  I know he was angry, every time we talked it was like pulling teeth.  I'd like to blame it on his age but I don't think I can be honest and do that.  I left him.  And I always thought we'd have time to repair our relationship when he got older and got away from his Dad and his family.  I guess I'm upset that we never got that chance.  My God he was 16, why wasn't it me??  I was ready, so ready.  I gotta stop this now.  More at another time.

Day 2

Note to self....  When you get a speeding ticket, you dumb ass, pay it!!  It is now five years later and I have moved states three times and I'm trying to get my drivers license here in NY, but, I'm on a big'ole DO NOT ISSUE list like I'm some sort of crazy bad person.  I swear it is a vague memory of getting a speeding ticket in NC that I remember and thinking I paid it (umm, sort of)  Really I think I went down and changed my Alabama licence for a NC one and forgot all about the stupid ticket.  Well, they didn't!  I have to jump thru hoops and pay $389.00 to NC and then another $50.00 to get my driver licence re-instated just to turn around and pay another $100.00 or so to get a NY license!  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  I hate it when I do stuff like this.  Anyway, I gotta wait for the ticket place to call me back and tell me how to pay the damn thing!  UGH!!

Day 1

Here I go again.  Writing is going to be the death of me.  I know this yet I cannot seem to stop.  I'm going to try to write down whats going on in my life in an honest format and hope like hell it doesn't end up biting me in the ass like it has in the past.  One good this is I've given up drugs so maybe I'll remember what I've written and not end up rambling on.  Ok, maybe I'll just remember what I've written and use better judgement on what I put on here....or maybe not...LOL.  I know I can keep this a secret for awhile. 

It has been about 3 years since I've written anything in a blog like format.  You know, out there in the great internet highway of life, just waiting to creep up and ruin your life.  Ok, not yours just mine. 

In re-reading this I'm not seeing to much funny here!  Ok, here goes, I'm just going to post this and try to get my funny on in another post.  Maybe tomorrow.  Ya know, I think I feel a little better already.  Damn I missed this! :-)